This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.Pardon my driving, I'm trying to reload.Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.Life's unfair - but root password helps!Minds are like parachutes, they only work when open.Don't just do something !!! Stand there !!!Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?Misspelled? Impossible. I have an error-correcting modem.ICMP: The protocol that goes PING!So many bytes, so few cps.WWhhaatt ddooeess dduupplleexx mmeeaann??Those who can't write, write manuals.There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third works. (Alan J. Perlis)Trust me -- I'm a Lawyer.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)Only 19,999 lines of C++ to my next ski trip...What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?Your E-Mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage!Windows N'T: as in Wouldn't, Couldn't, and Didn't.Never execute code written on a Friday or a Monday.WYTYSYDG-What you thought you saw, you didn't get.Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.Cache me if you can.No wanna work. Wanna bang on keyboard.Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?"Suicide Hotline...please hold."Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out.If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0If At First You Don't Succeed Ignore The Docs...The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony number 9. (Michael Hodous) INTERLACE: To tie two boots together.Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary."I'm not smart enough to lie" (Ronald Reagan)Famous last words: What does this red button do?Be careful about using the following code -- I've only proven that it works, I haven't tested it. (Donald Knuth)Honey, PLEASE don't pick up the PH$@#*&$^(#@&$^%(*NO CARRIERShell to DOS... come in DOS... Do you copy?Fast, fat computers breed slow, lazy programmers. (Robert Hummel)The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time. (Tom Cargill)Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers. (Ray Simard)How do I set my laser printer for stun?Originality is the art of concealing your sources.I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.I wrote a program in Lisp once...it wrote back to me. Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven...Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.Trees hit cars only in self-defence.Plasma is another matter.As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.There's no such thing as a free lunch, but you can always find someone willing to treat.A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...Famous last words - Don't worry, I can handle itNone of you exist, my Sysop types all this in.I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous wordsThere are many things I could say...There is nothing that a kick in the balls or a pressure on reset won't solve.Some days, nothing goes left."The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8 m/sec/sec." (Dolengo, Marcus)Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something.The margin is very marginal.Never say, "Oops!"; always say, "Ah, interesting!"Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. My other computer is a Cray Y/MP-4!(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammerIt is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.I used to watch TV, then I bought a modem.How come wrong numbers are never busy?Program too small to fit into memory.A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. (Doug Linder)Never test for an error you don't know how to handle.A program is a device used to convert data into error messages.But honey, I wouldn't be up so late on a faster machine.If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity." (Dennis Ritchie)"Reboot" is not kicking your computer again If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.Back when I was a boy, we carved our own IC's out of wood.Daddy, what does "Formatting Drive C:" mean?"I know your little 4th grade teacher said there are not stupid questions. She was wrong. This is Usenet." (Unknown)Funny, how just when you think life can't possibly get any worse it suddenly does. (Marvin the paranoid android - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?Nothing is 100% certain, bug free or IBM compatible."Real Programmers use C since it's the easiest language to spell." (Unknown)The option to override self-destruct expir@^%i@&$#NO CARRIERVLSI: "Getting High On Low Voltage"I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.Press any key...NO, NO, NO, NOT THAT ONE!!!!!!OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am.Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilisation. (Gerald Weinberg)Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.Send lawyers, guns, & money...I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. - Joseph Campbell ERROR 103: Dead mouse in hard drive."Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.""The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again." (Al Goodman)Intel: Putting the "backward" in "backward compatible".The secret of the universe is~~*#~** FF * NO CARRIERIf you cannot convince them, confuse them.There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. (Unknown)If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.My computer's sick, I think my modem's a carrierHelp fight continental drift.Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.There's no such thing as gravity. The Earth sucks.BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!I'm leaving my body to science fiction.KARAOKE is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"Death is God's way of dropping carrier.To shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows. (Anonymous) Does the Enterprise use DOS v2356.0?Linux, the choice of a GNU generation.The word "Windows" is a word out of an old dialect of the Apaches. It means: "White man staring through glass-screen onto an hourglass...""Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done." (Andy Rooney)A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.Programmers don't die. They just GoSub Without Return.I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.Turn right here. No! NO! The OTHER right!I went on a 30-day diet - and lost 30 days!To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.Faster than a speeding ticket!43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr..."The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit." (Eric Porterfield)Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do.Yes my son, long ago mail was read 1 packet at a time.The best way to prepare [to be a programmer] is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and fished out listings of their operating system. (Bill Gates)Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. (Leonard Brandwein)I like to leave messages *before* the beep.The only thing more frightening than a programmer with a screwdriver or a hardware engineer with a program is a user with a pair of wire cutters and the root password. (Elizabeth Zwicky)You can always tell a really good idea by the enemies it makes. --Programmers' axiomThe dentist said my wisdom teeth were retarded.A program is used to turn data into error messages.Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.In God we trust, all others pay cash.May the Porsche be with you.Yuk, what kind of dumb menu system is that? Oh, so that's Windows95!Programming is like pinball. The reward for doing it is the opportunity of doing it again.Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterdayC Error #011: First C Program, huh? A good programmer makes all the right mistakes.Feel lucky???? Update your software!Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.Computers run on faith, not electrons.Science asks why. I ask why not.Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic. ... ALL RIGHT, NOW PANICLiposuction will destroy your FAT"C++" should have been called "D"I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent.Everyone has photographic memory...some don't have film!I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!See, you not only have to be a good coder to create a system like Linux, you have to be a sneaky bastard, too. (Linus Torvalds)If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.Multitasking = 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!A television program may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.Whenever you use a jump, be sure of your destination address. --Programmers' sayingBad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...Don't diet, download a virus to remove the FAT.Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. (Jeff Pesis)Shh! Be vewy quiet, I'm hunting wuntime errors!Those who can't write programs, write help files.Sumo Wrestling: survival of the fattest.Beta is Latin for 'still doesn't work'.ERROR: ERROR: ERROR: ERROR: ERROR: {SMACK} C:\>Don't worry. I backed it up to the RAM disk yesterday.There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.A Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces.All generalizations are bad.To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.Back up my hard drive? I can't even find the reverse switch!"90% of all statistics are made up"So much time, and so little to do.I have a 9600bps modem and 1.5bps fingersIn life, three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred...Memory is a thing we forget with.I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?As I said before, I never repeat myself.Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle. (Bob Hope)Forgive your enemies...but REMEMBER THEIR NAMESSo many lawyers, so few bullets.STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park elsewhere!NUMBER CRUNCHING: Jumping on a Computer.C Error #022: Missing period eh? Core dump... Old MacDonald had a computer with an EIA I/O.Monopoly? No, we just don't want competition.UART what UEAT!The UARTs won't take this speed, CaptainIf at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.Bugs are Sons of Glitches!WINDOWS ERROR #004: Operator fell asleep while waiting.It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it; it's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free. (Steve McConnell)Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes."Intel Inside... The World's Most Widely Used Warning Label." (K. Senical)A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.Bus error (Passengers dumped)Tech Support Tip #2: When the support agent says "Click...", wait for the rest of the sentence.The longer the title, the less important the job.RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.Calculating in binary code is as easy as 01,10,11."I believe OS/2...to be the most important OS...of all time" (Bill Gates '87)Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. (Unknown)I worry about my child and the Internet all the time, even though she's too young to have logged on yet. Here's what I worry about. I worry that 10, 15 or 20 years from now she will come to me and say, 'Daddy, where were you when they took freedom of the press away from the Internet?' (Mike Godwin)Famous last words - You and what army?The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it's too late. (Seymour Cray)Jet Engine Theory - Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow!(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic"It is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end." (D. Adams)ASCII and ye shall receive.I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.HAL 9000: Dave. Put down those Windows disks, Dave. DAVE!Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them.Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.Read the dictionary backwards and look for secret messages.Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. (Bill Gates)If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. (Dick Brandon)I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.The best performance improvement is the transition from the nonworking state to the working state. (John Ousterhout)Of course I'm running Windows[kVxB NO CARRIERBefore software can be reusable it first has to be usable. (Ralph Johnson)Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws. (Douglas Adams)Hey! It compiles! Ship it!It did what? Well, it's not supposed to do that.To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?When there's a will, I want to be in it. Ok, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going?Real men write self-modifying code.One computer is a problem. A computer network is a large problem. The internet is the world's largest problem. (Douglas Warren)The Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggestOnce a new technology starts rolling, if you're not part of the steamroller, you're part of the road. (Stewart Brand)What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. (Nathaniel Borenstein)Invisible Systems, Inc. If you don't see it, we made it.Pizza IS the four food groups!For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord!It's best to leave quickly when you make noises like that...If your project doesn't work, look for the part that you didn't think was important. (Arthur Bloch)You've heard about the computer programmer that died while washing his hair in the shower. The instructions said, 'Lather, rinse, repeat.'"There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network." (Guy Almes)"The faster you go, the shorter you are" (Einstein)Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?Being married to a programmer is like having a cat. You talk to it but you're never really sure if it hears you, much less comprehends what you say.If you hear an onion ring please answer it.CRASH: Normal termination.Was today really Necessary?Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. (Rich Cook)Close your eyes and press escape three times.Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.Two most common elements: hydrogen, stupidity.Locked coathanger in car. Good thing I had a key.Hot Tip #3: Be sure to turn it on before calling technical support.WYGIWYD - What you got is what you deserved.Do not put statements in the negative form.A Bugless Program is an Abstract Theoretical Concept.Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape.I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.Kilroy occupied these coordinates.Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.You hit the nail right between the eyes.Coming Soon!! Mouse Support for Edlin!Discoveries are made by not following instructions.Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be dissapointed.Vuja De - The Feeling You've Never Been HereThe number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.The difference between computer error and human error is that the computer usually knows better.I had amnesia once or twice.You can name your salary here. I call mine Fred.World ends today at 9:30 pm! Film at 11:00...Include this in your CONFIG.SYS File: BUGS=OFFDCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. (Pablo Picasso)OK Scotty, detonate and energize NOW! No, wait, I mean....... Premature optimisation is the root of all evil. (Donald Knuth)Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.Press any key to continue or any other key to quitReal programmers can write assembly code in any language (Larry Wall)If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?Those who can, do. Those who can't, supervise!I am. Therefore, I think. I think.C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. (Bjarne 'Stumpy' Stroustrup)Programming is an art form that fights back.Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. (Michael Sinz)It works better if you plug it in.Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!I saw, I came, I cleaned it up.Intel: We put the 'um...' in Pentium.On the other hand, you have different fingers.Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammoOne atom bomb can really ruin your day.I didn't cheat, I just changed the Rules!Application has reported a 'Not My Fault' in module KRNL.EXE in line 0200:103FI only changed one line and it was a comment...ERROR: Computer possessed; Load EXOR.SYS ? [Y/N]There is an exception to every rule, except this one.He who laughs last probably made a back-up.Too much month at the end of the money.Some days you're a bug, other days a windshield.How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?Shareware: forget the manual...phone the author at home!"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.PI seconds is a nanocentury. (Tom Duff, Bell Labs)Drive A: format failure, formatting C: instead...How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!We all live in a yellow subroutine. I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!How long will a floating point operation float?File not found: Loading something that looked similar.Excellent day to have a rotten day.There's no future in time travelThe backup's not over 'til the FAT table sings!That's what's cool about working with computers. They don't argue, they remember everything and they don't drink all your beer. (Paul Leary)Never park your hard disk in a tow-away zone.Palindrome isn't one.Poets go from bad to verse.ERROR D3F2: Replace user and press any key to continue:Could you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. (Albert Einstein)STICK: A boomerang that doesn't work.For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (H L Mencken)Tact: making a point without making an enemy.Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. (Jim Davis)My 486 does an infinite loop in 4.68 sec.Marketer to coder: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."The first myth of management is that it exists.The road to success is always under construction.Students nowadays, complaining they only get 5MBs of disk space! In my day we were lucky if we had one file, and that was /dev/null.GURU: One who knows more jargon than you.What is Microsoft's definition of plug and play? It's 'plug' in your phone and call tech support while they 'play' with your computer! (Jason Morris)Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! - KermitDid anyone see my lost carrier?Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep.There has never been an unexpectedly short debugging period in the history of computers. (Steven Levy)An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.Going the speed of light is bad for your age.Death is a nonmaskable interrupt.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect."Ummm, Trouble with grammar have I! Yes!" (Yoda)Windows isn't CrippleWare -- it's "Functionally Challenged".PCBackup: 1 of 1362 disksThe world is coming to an end. Please log off.